Implify My Insanity
by Djinns
Summary: Another look at the Scoobygang. English Version of "Les Ruines Contemporaines". After Chosen, the scoobies creates the Center, and meet a disturbed student.
1. Introduction

Implify My Insanity : Introduction  
  
A/N : This fic is out of the ordinary. It imposes itself to me, so I write it. Its words aren't always beautiful and it syntax isn't perfect. My goal isn't to create a magic world where everything's alright, but to show you a character that is in the middle of an insane crisis, a mix of love and adolescence. I don't have a beta reader that speaks english, and I'm trying my best to translate it correctly. If it sucks, tell me. If you like it, tell me. And if you're not reading it, then why are you here? -)  
  
My name is Michelle Joan Collins, but everybody just calls me Jo. My hair is red and my eyes are blue, but it's not really important. My Watcher was Miss Wilson, an old woman that I hated. Because of me, she made a burn-out and I'm kinda proud of it. Until now, I was going from a watcher to another and they were all discouraged. It seems that coming back half-drunk at two in the morning with another girl from the bars isn't a good thing in a strict school like the Center.  
  
The Center has been founded by Rupert Giles a few months after the « earthquake » that destroyed Sunnydale. It's a kind of private college for all Slayers but also to-be-Watchers. In reality, it's a boring place, full of books on demons, where you have to be perfect. Some of our parents know what we are, our mission and all, but some think that the Center is just another school. My parents know the truth and don't care about it. « Concentrate yourself now. »  
  
Kennedy is facing me. She looks serious, her hands are closed in two fists that I know they are solid. Her eyes are burning on me as she throw the first punch. I block it and avoid a foot kick. I send him a right hit but she grabs my arm and forces me to turn my back to her. She throw me on the floor and lets her defense off for a few seconds. I know that she always do that, so I move like a breakdancer and make her fall on the floor because of my legs. But she gets up almost automatically. « You think you'll win Jo? »  
  
I smile to her : she already knows the answer. The battle starts again : Kennedy's leading. I'm trying to ge as fast as I can, hit and block, but the Slayer wins again. Finally, I lay down on the floor and show her that I'm quitting. Laughing, she sits down besides me. She's not even exhausted! I hate her when she's like that. And, strangely, it's always in those moments that I love her the most. « Tired? »  
  
« Not even close. »  
  
I come closer to her slowly and lay my head on her lap. I look at her a little bit and then close my eyes. I feel her smiling, breathing faster and then slower... I raise my hand and cup her face in my palm, touching her cheek still filled with energy. I see her shivering and then taking my hand off her skin. « Jo... stop it. »  
  
I smile to her and get up. Facing her, I bend down near her face of angeled demon and lean in.  
  
« Why? »  
  
« 'Cause I'm your teacher... and you're younger than me. »  
  
I stand up again, laughing.  
  
« Two years... and you're not my Watcher, you're only a substitute. »  
  
She gets up too, but doesn't talk. When I look at her again, I see that she's still suffering from her separation with Willow, even if it's been two months now. Their love disappeared just like it arrived : well that's what Willow said. For Kenn, her witch only decided to move on to something bigger.  
  
« Ok, I'll be a nice little student. » I leave the gymnase without looking at her. I know that she's still staring at me, I feel her eyes on my back.  
  
« Where are you going? » I turn to face her, a huge grin in my face.  
  
« Shower time. You want to come? »  
  
She sighs and let me go without asking anything else. Too bad.  
  
I remember the day Giles assigned me to Kennedy. He said she'd do the job for now, that she would keep me busy. It's been four months now, and he still haven't found a Watcher that want to teach me. Apparently, breaking the nose of those you dislike isn't the way to make friends over here. Water is running down on me as I close my eyes, imagining Kennedy in front of me. I see her smiling, laughing, fighting but, more than all, sleeping. It's completely stupid, everybody looks stupid when they sleep. But her, no. Well, I don't think so. She's too beautiful, too cute, too everything to look stupid.  
  
When I get out of the shower, she's in front of me. I don't blush, hidden by a towel that, in reality, isn't really hiding anything. My « teacher » smiles. I'm sure she's here to torture me, to laugh at me. Kenn always thinks I'm going to act like a teenager and blush while trying to hide my nude legs. But the problem is, I never do so.  
  
« What are you doing here? »  
  
Her smile leaves her, but she stays there. I come closer to her, so close I can smell her hair. She shivers.  
  
« What are you doing Jo? »  
  
Her voice sounds like a murmur, a moan. My lips approach her face and then, remembering her pain, I back away. She's still in love with Will. I don't have the right to love her. Well, not for now.  
  
« Nothing much. »  
  
My innocent tone frustrates her, but she concentrates on something else.  
  
« Buffy told me to announce you that you're going on patrol toninght. » Not a big thing. One night per week, we have to go on patrol with Rona or Vi or whatever potential that was fighing with Summers at Sunnydale against the First. Like they knew more than us! Everytime I fight against one of them, I win. Until now, the only person with whom I always loose is Kennedy. It's not that I'm the best fighter ever, but I just have a talent to find the weaknesses of people. And I know them by heart.  
  
« With Vi? »  
  
Kennedy smiles like I said something idiot. « With Buffy and Faith. »  
  
I don't believe it. It's impossible : Buffy and Faith take only the best and, until now, they haven't took anybody with them. They help with some courses, supervise everything. They go on patrol only the two of them, or sometimes with Xander, Willow, Robin or Dawn. Even Andrew dreams of going with them. And me, a little potential who doesn't even have a real Watcher, I'd go with the two masters? Oh no! There has to be an error, it can't be true.  
  
« Is that a joke? »  
  
My teacher looks at me, proud. Automatically, I know it's not one. It means that, even with my bad acting, I still have a chance of becoming a good Slayer. Well, not really good, but a not-so-bad Slayer. And it would surprise me. In my courses, I shine with my lack of talent and my stupidity almost impressive. « Nope. You're leaving at midnight. Don't be late. »  
  
She leaves fastly while I start putting my clothes on. On patrol with Buffy and Faith? Maybe it's an exam. Or maybe they just want to laugh. And it's not because I'm a funny girl, it's only that I feel ridiculous. A Slayer... I'm not a Slayer. I'm a fucking non-gifted potential, that's what I am.  
  
A/N : This is only a presentation of my character and her universe. It's not an action story : it's a descent into hell... I'm translating it for Beth, who asked me to put it in english so she could read it. I hope you liek it Beth! Oh and everybody else too ;-) 


	2. A Soldier's Night

Implify My Insanity : A Soldier's Night  
  
It's midnight. It's cold and I just want to go back inside, but I'm still waiting. Buffy and Faith should arrive soon, well I hope so. Looking at the stars, I remember all the girls I took with me at the Center, night after night. Sometimes it was some friend that had already came a few times, sometimes it was some stranger who didnt care about my name. It wasn't that bad, since I didn't care either. Sex has that quality : you don't have to care about the body once it's done. The next morning you can get up, act like nothing happened, and usually it works. Except when you get pregnant, but that sure is not going to happen to me!  
  
« You ready lil'one? » Faith just arrived. I kinda like her : she makes me think of Kennedy. I think love is only to recognize someone in an individual. Ourself, I guess. Anyway, I'm not in love with anybody. Except with my beautiful slayer, who dreams about a witch, who left her a few months ago. Anyway, love is too boring and too stupid, this is probably why it wasn't made for me. « Yeah, alright. »  
  
The brown-haired girl faces me and looks around herself.  
  
« Buffy's not here. »  
  
« No, she's late I guess. »  
  
« But we're at the right place, right moment. »  
  
I smile to her and attention at her. My military move makes her laugh, and it makes me ponder. In reality, if I'm here, it must be because of this force I've got inside, this will to fight for a humanity always crazier, always less human. Like a good little soldier, I'm training every day, I'm fighting every night. Because my superiors don't know it, but I'm running away each night by my window to go on patrol alone. « Ok, we can go. »  
  
Buffy grabs my arm and take me along as Faith teases me that I'm Buffy's pet. I think it's false : since I came back from my runaway trip, the blonde hasn't talked to me. Before having Kennedy as a teacher, I left the Center (wich was, by that time, only the Watcher's Concil), for three months. My parents had sent me there at the very moment where they had learned what I was : they were so happy of getting rid of me, I guess. It's Buffy who had found me and who had bringed me back here, promising me a better training. I followed her for two reasons : first she was really beautiful, second, I was tired of sleeping outside.  
  
A few vampires attack us fastly. After a few hits, they are already back to a dusting peace. The night's going on and Buffy and Faith are more silent than ever. The fights arrive pretty often, but we make a great team. Or more, a good army. After three or four more victories, the two slayers let me fight alone, oserving me, analysing my moves. I feel their eyes on me, silent. I feel like I'm doing an exam. And I know I'm going to fail it. I'm so non- gifted beside those two experts that are watching me. Even if they told me I was getting better since my arrival at the Center, I don't think I'm a good slayer. My hits are too fastly given, my defense is very low. But I guess it's not the end of the world.  
  
I've been training for a few years now, even before having my powers. The day were I felt them transforming me from the inside, I had a taste of ashes in my mouth. Like if I already knew that a Slayer didn't have a life, but only many deaths. It's kinda funny, because it happened in a funeral home. My aunt was dead and my parents had bringed me along like it was a family activity or something. Anyway, they had presented me a charming young man, Peter, who was supposed to become my Charming Prince. But when they found us in the public washroom with less clothes, they decided that he was a bad boy. They still hate to talk about it, but I know that, deep inside, they are really happy. For once the discussions' subject wasn't their daughter's homosexuality. It was the arrogance of the bad guy who had forced me into this forfeiture. Yeah, like he forced me! I was only there 'cause I was bored and that I thought that it wasn't a big deal.  
  
Anyway, Rita's death it now a subject people don't talk about in my family. Not because it's too sad, but because since then, Peter's going to a private school for boys only, and his parents are trying to force him to become a priest. He's got to go back in the right lane!  
  
Well, it's right after the power got into me that Peter bringed me to the washrooms. Sacred place where, for my parents, I lost my virginity. I won't tell them that they're wrong on that!  
  
A Slayer is a walking-dead fighting for the Living Creatures. It's strange, it's a paradoxe, and it's kinda logic. Everything's strange at the Center, everyone's got something to hide. And I'm not only talking about the powers. Here, you meet a bunch of strangers who have one thing in common : the gift of death/life.  
  
Finally, we take a break. Buffy and Faith are talking about everything, and I listen to their conversation wich, even if it's boring, is better than nothing.  
  
« And for Kenn, how is it going? »  
  
Faith explains to Buffy that my teacher still loves Willow : nothing I didn't know. Although there's one thing I hate : the blonde just said that the witch was still interested in my lover. Inside the little soldier that I am, an alert rings : it's the end of my chances with K. And right now, in my head, a voice appears, a voice that I had been hiding for a while. « Man, I really wanna get high now, just once, just for tonight. To forget the pain... Yeah, just once. »  
  
But I ignore it. Less and less, but at least I try to ignore it. After a few hours, we're bored and hungry. Well, they are hungry, and I am bored. So we go back at the Center.  
  
« I'll smoke a cigarette before going to sleep so... Good night! »  
  
The two slayers wish me good dreams before entering, both wanting to take a cold shower. There's nothing else than a little soldier outside, in front of the huge building that gives her orders. I take a cigarette out of my package and walk downtown. If they think that I'm going to sleep when I'm feeling like that, it proves that they are really stupid. I enter in my habitual bar. It's weird to be there : it's been a few months since last time. The barmaid smiles at me.  
  
« Hey Jo. It's been a while. »  
  
« Yeah I know... You must've missed me. » She smiles again and sells me a beer. The patrols effects are spreading inside my whole body as I go to a table where there's a eighteen-year-old girl drinking a beer.  
  
« Hey. »  
  
She smiles.  
  
« I'm Klaudie. »  
  
She pushes back her long blonde hair, allowing me to stare at her angelic face.  
  
« Jo. » I shake her hand, already dreaming of her hot and soft skin.  
  
« What are you doing tonight? »  
  
We discuss for a few minutes, but I'm getting bored. I only want one thing, and she knows it. She grabs my arm and we leave the bar together.My beer's getting inside my system and I'm feeling ready for everything.It's been two months since I bringed a girl at the Center : tonight, I'm breaking the routine. Klaudie kisses me softly in the middle of the road and then on the sidewalk. Near a small street, one or two kilometers away from the Center, she puts a small bag full of powder in my hands.  
  
« Mmmm... what? »  
  
She kisses me again and points a bar with her finger.  
  
« There we shouldn't get any problems... I just need a dose. »  
  
I smile to her and put my lips on her skin. She brings me to the bar, then in the bathrooms. Silently, in front of the miror, she takes her dose, and so do I. I know that the drug is going to control me in a few minutes, since I haven'' took any for almost two months. Klaudie kisses me again while getting out of the bar and then we enter the Center.  
  
The corridors are empty and dead as we head to my bedroom. Her hands are fixed on my body and her lips dances on my skin. I invite her in. Alone on our deserted island, we travel to other countries. Then, I fall asleep in her stranger arms. I've had with this girl only a few words, some drug and a night that I'll forget before the end of the week. The soldier goes back to her routine : the war restarts. 


	3. Trivial Intervention

Sorry about the lack of updating, I'm actually having some troubles...  
  
« Mmmm... 'Morning. »  
  
The beauty that has slept with me smiles and I kiss her softly.  
  
« Slept well Cindy? »  
  
She snuggle against me, and I breathe the scent of her hair. Like Erin, Klaudie and Erika, she knows that, in a few minutes, she'll have to disappear. But for her, it isn't a problem : her boyfriend's waiting for her. I close my eyes, imagining that it's not Cindy, but Kennedy that's just beside me. I listen to her heartbeats, her lungs sharing oxygen while her thoughts are jumping from different things and... And my room's door just opened. Kennedy's staring at me, apparently frustrated. Severe, she sends Cindy home as the girl still runs for her clothes before running away without saying anything. I get up slowly as my fake teacher closes the door behind her.  
  
« Shit, what's your problem Jo? »  
  
I don't answer and start getting my clothes on. An old white t-shirt and army pants, that'll do. Kennedy didn'T stop looking at me, and I turn to face her.  
  
« Leave me alone Kenn. » She gets closer and grabs my arm. She's hurting me, but I'm not reacting.  
  
« Look at you. You like having sex with whoever there is, high and drunk? »  
  
I take out a cigarette, but she takes it away from me. But I don't say a word : I love her. I've always knew it. I'm always dreaming of her. And yes, I like to be high, because when I am, it's easier to imagine that she's with me, and that, when I'm drunk, I'm not a fucking loser whose parents don't care about.  
  
« You'll stop smoking and get back to training. It's been a week since you've been in the gym. » She starts cleaning up my room but gives up after a while and sits on my bed while I'm brushing my teeth in my private bathroom. It's crazy how the Center is rich. At my place, we were using the same bathroom and never cared about it, but here, everything's got a price. Even the walls seem rich, and I'm not talking about the teachers! They almost don't talk to us outside of the courses because we are inferior. Anyway, there are a few nice teachers : them, you can't get rid of! « When will you grow up? » I don't answer and drink a glass of water. Waking up because of a yelling and frustrated Kennedy never been a part of my fantasms. Even if the yelling part can be interesting...!  
  
« Kenn leave me alone. »  
  
She grabs my arm and force me out of my room. « No way. It's been 4 or 5 girls we've seen since Buffy and Faith bringed you on patrol. Before you were fine, following the rules... What happened? »  
  
She brings me in the gym, which is now desert. Now I remember that today it's the parents' visit, and that all students must be with their father or mother. I know my parents aren't coming. They called Buffy to tell her. Not me, but Buffy. They aren't even able to talk to their daughter, it's kinda pathetic. « Fight. »  
  
She gets ready to fight, but I'm not moving. Why should I? I don't want to fight anymore, not with Kennedy, not with anybody. I only want one thing : to do nothing. Isn't that simple? But nobody understands that. They understand algebra, but not that! For me, adding letters and numbers is just too weird. She starts hitting, but I'm not responding. The hits are hurting and I do my best to keep my indifference in front of her strength. Her left punch hits my face : my lips just started bleeding. A metallic taste is flowing in my mouth and I like it. Kennedy stops. « Shit, shit! What's wrong with you? »  
  
I raise my absent eyes on her, eyes that she'll never love because they are too different from Willow's. I'm feeling weak, destroyed, torn apart. Kennedy brings me to Buffy's office. She's dressed as a severe principal, ready to meet all those parents that are waiting for her. My teacher leaves and I'm alone with Miss Summers. She leans on me, her face darkened. « What's going on, Michelle? You never acted this way since Ms. Wilson. »  
  
I want to laugh, but I contain myself. Deep inside me, I know all I want to die is cry. « Nothing. » Buffy sends me a severe glance, the eyes of a principal. Yeah, that's what I need : cold eyes to comfort me. But I don't deserve comfort, since I crossed all rules of this fucking Center. The blonde sighs, looks at her papers for a while. But she won't find the answer on those sheets, I know that. She has no idea about my love for Kennedy, and so does the whole world. So it's not surprising that she doesn't understand why my whole world is going away, as my teacher gets closer everyday with her ex. « Listen, I know you're a good Slayer. But some rumors told us you used drugs a lot and I have to admit that it scares me a little. » I don't deserve that too. Anyway, I don't deserve much things : certainly not Kenn's love. I'd liek to vanish in this world I'm creating in my head, I'd love to live in those perfect illusions. The blonde in front of me doesn't know that. All she knows is I'm using drugs : wow! Whole school knows : they're all afraid of me, I can see it in their eyes. Everybody knows me, even though I don't know them. Like a fucking rockstar. « Don't worry Buffy. I know what I'm doing. » « I don't believe you. You see, the thing is – » Her office's door opens and Willow enters the room. For the first time of my life, I'm glad to see her, since it's freeing me from the principal. I hate being there, like an insane girl in front of her psychologist. I'm not a problematic student, I'm a passionate lover. That's what I am. The redhair explains to the blonde that one of the mothers wants to meet her. Buffy promises to come in a moment and then turns back to me « I hope you'll get better. »  
  
« Yeah, I'll try, can I go now? »  
  
She doesn't seem happy to let me go, but she leaves the room anyway, and then start talking to a woman with Ms Rosenberg, history teacher. Magic's history, yeah! People think she's a great teacher. She usually teaches Watchers, so I never got her, but a few potentials have her too. I'm not even existing in her universe. Except if Kennedy has been talking about me, wich would surprise me. Even when I'm with her, Kenn never talks about me. Wich makes me think that she probably just doesn't want me to be a part of her world. I know she's feeling something for me, but for her, it must be hard to be in the middle of Willow and I. Anyway, I guess she doesn't have the right to have sex with her student... When the woman leaves with Buffy, Willow rushes to me. I'm imagining her in Kennedy's arms and tears ran to my eyes as I find they are a cute couple. It's been two weeks I'm fighting this sadness, I'm not going to let go in front of my number one enemy. The redhair stands in front of me, decided to make me understand that I have to get back on my feet, so I can let Kennedy do her work to train me as a perfect little Slayer. Why should I care? There, I think I'm going to leave in the middle of her monologue. Surprise! She stands there as I'm walking to the door. The cold wind wake me up as she runs after me. « You have to understand... »  
  
Understand what? There's nothing else to understand, except the fact that I don't have the right to be happy. Happiness is a shit that hates me. That's all. « What? »  
  
« Michelle Joan Collins, you will get back to your courses now. »  
  
What is she going to do, Ms Dictator? She's there, freezing, trying to look mad. I'm so deeply afraid of her! The fact that you named my complete name is terrorizing me, Ms Rosenberg! Who the hell does she thinks she is?!  
  
« Willow, just shut up. » « What? »  
  
« Yeah, lack of respect, Mussolini! You're not one of my teachers, so don't try to dictate my life. You don't know what's good for me. You don't know a thing about me so get back with your little friends there and your Kennedy and leave me alone for once! » I take out one cigarette and I leave before she can reply. I know she's sad : she hates when somebody's mean with her. Nicotine gets on the air as I'm imaginig what Kennedy is going to do to make me pay for being mean with her lover... if there's a lover. Fuck, I don't know what's going on between those two, but the Slayer is already coming to me. Maybe she saw our fight... Anyway it won't change a thing, weither she talks to me or not. Words aren't important anymore. « Michelle! » Since when is she calling me Michelle? « Shit, just wait! » I stop under a tree, ending my cigarette, even if she always repeats to me that it's going to kill me one day. Yeah, so what if I die from cigarette?! I might end my days before that, since I'm a Slayer. « Your parents are on the phone. » I thought she was going to yell at me. So she didn't heart about my little fight with the redhair... Good! I don't need that. She brings me to the office where I can talk with my parents. How rejoycing. « Yes? »  
  
« Hi Jo. What did you do again? »  
  
« I killed one of my teachers. »  
  
« WHAT?! » Worst is, they believe me. They are able to imagine their unique daughter killing someone, but they cannot truly describe her. They have no idea who I am, and, believe me, it's better this way. Well at least they are still calling me... sometimes... « It's not true, mom. I'm joking. »  
  
« I hope so! This school costs so much! »  
  
Buffy, when she found me, payed everything I needed. She pays for my studies, buys every little thing I ask her. My parents ain't giving her a buck, and I only brings her problems. I'm not saying she's a saint, but I have to admit I'm admiring her for that. My parents sometimes send me money, to pay my drugs. Well they don't know that's what I'm doing with it, but I'm not the one complaining here! « Why were you calling? » « Thomas and Sophie are getting married! » Interesting : Thomas is my neighbor and I've never seen Sophie. So I don't fucking care if Thomas fucks with Sophie or God! I feel I don't have a place even in my own life. « I'll call you back later ok? »  
  
« Ok! » They hang up without any goodbye, nor an I love you. I suppose they are keeping those words for a neighbor who takes care of the flowers while they are gone. We love you Thomas! You're a part of the family Thomas! And me? It's not that important I guess. Well, they still send me money...  
  
A few hours later, the bar's smoke just won't let me think about anything. The gorgeous Helen leads me to another universe, one made of fast moves and slow touches. Her lips and hands become my reality's walls as I bring her to my room. For a second, I remember what happened today, all those people who wanted to change me... Helen kisses me again, and I feel her scent on me. She whispers in my ear as I open my door : « What you thinking of? » « Nothing, it's not important. » She smiles and I close the door. What's important is to remember that nothing is important. 


	4. Insults' Reciprocity

I don't even try to hide my cigarette when the bitch enters my room. « What the fuck you doing here? »  
  
She doesn't answer and her two well-trained dogs follow her. Anna, the Center's bully, the one who thinks she oh so superior, just entered in my personnal room. She looks pissed, but I don't really care. Who the hell does she thinks she is?  
  
« Just coming for a visit, loser. » « Stop insulting me, you're gonna make me cry. »  
  
Anna rans her hand threw her hair, wich were blue, and now are ugly-kinda- greeny. She looks me up and down, and I know war is just declared. The students of the Center don't like me, but they respect me : I'm sure they're afraid of me. And Anna's jealous... Can't believe she's jealous of me. She has to be stupid... or have only half a brain, wich is exactly her case. « Listen, Collins, I think it'd be better for everybody if you just leave. »  
  
« You want me to quit the Center? »  
  
She points the door and I know that it's what she wants. She wants me out of her universe. What she doesn't know is, just before she arrived, I was going to pack up my things. But just to piss her off I think I'll stay here for a while. She'd get bored without me. « I don't need a bitch and her two sluts to tell me what to do. »  
  
« Sluts?! You have to admit you had sex with half of the town so... »  
  
She doesn't know me. Adrenaline flows inside my veins, transforming them into a screaming metal as my bosom gets in flammes. I have only one desire : destroy her shitty head. « Oh okay, I get it. You jealous Anna? Your parents shouldn't learn that their daughter's a dyke, right? »  
  
« I'm not a dyke. »  
  
Her two friends don't know what to say. This is exactly what I wanted : they don't know if I told the truth or if I lied. In reality, all I'm saying to her is all I'm repeating to myself everyday. Everything I think about her, I think it about me. I should jump down a bridge, since I'm so alike to this idiot. « I'm not lesbian so shut up! » One of her two friends laugh a little bit and restart whispering something to her friend. Nobody can be more stupid than that. « Collins! »  
  
I stare at her. I see she's becoming more and more nervous and I keep looking at her, ready to hit her at any sign of violence. « Come with me to the gym... We'll train... »  
  
I know exactly what she wants : to get into a fight in a neutral place. Right now, she's in my territory, and if she starts a fight, she'll be the one they'll punish. But if we go downstairs, she'll protected by the whole 'training' part. She's not that stupid finally. I throw my cigarette away and stand up. « Go. » She looks at me up and down, and I see on her face a weird feeling of jealousy and disgust. « You'll go wearing that ? »  
  
I'm wearing an old t-shirt and dark-dreen pants with paint spots. Yes, I'll go like that. I don't give a damn about my clothes. « Yes. You going or do you need me to call a taxi? » She turns back and get out of my room. Before leaving, I look at my room for a second. I have no idea what is going to happen downstairs. If Kennedy's there, I'm dead. First because I won't be able to concentrate, and then because if I win she's going to kill me. But I want too much to fight this bastard. Well, if I survive to Anna and Kennedy, everybody will leave me alone from this day on. It's been a week since I came here. Last time was on parents' day... Wich remembers me that I still haven't called back my parents. « Ready? »  
  
I wonder why she asks if I'm ready, because anyway she doesn't care about it. I'm looking around me : the students are forming a circle to watch the fight. The two more known potentials are going to beat each other up and they're going to enjoy the show. I love to watch society's evolution! Anyway, I send her a right punch in the face and it pisses her off. I guess she wanted to be the one who hits first. « Come on. »  
  
She comes closer and sends me a hit in my side. The pain's hard but I won't let her win so easily. Another hit makes her step back, and then another punch. I'm imagining her tomorrow morning, trying to hide the marks on her face with tons of make-up. It's crazy but she really makes me laugh. Anna gets mad and grabs the metal bar where using as a sword to train without getting cut or anything. I'm not moving : she won't go that far. The pain is intense and real. It flows inside my whole body but I can't really understand where it comes from. I'm hearing yells and people trying to control somebody. A girl shouts to another that she's going nuts and a voice I adore comes through the crowd to me. « Jo? Jo you alright? » I'm not able to answer : I'm not even breathing anymore. For a few seconds, I think I'm going to fall into unconsciousness. But I'm still awake, and pain's getting worse. I open my eyes to see my beautiful Kennedy, with a worried face. She asks me again if I'm okay, and I whisper a few words. « I didn't understand my sweet, repeat. »  
  
She called me 'my sweet'! Okay she calls all her students that way, so I should calm down. I restart breathing and get up slowly. Against my will, a moan comes out of me. « I'm okay, I'm okay... where's Anna? » Kennedy moves to her left, and I can see that two boys are holding Anna so she doesn't come near me. I smile. « Hey Anna! Playin' rough?! » She yells a few insults. I wonder if she's like me. When we were fighting, was she imagining that her enemy was herself? I'm hallucinating me at her place, and I hit as hard as I can, like it could change something, like it was a matter of life or death. We become one with our enemy in hate, I guess. Willow just arrived in the room.  
  
« Is she going alright? »  
  
« Willow, she's been hit by a metal bar in her side, do you really think she's alright?! » Oh, Kennedy's mad now... I'm happy that for once it's not against me. The redhair leans on me, ignoring the words of her ex-lover. She puts her hands on my stomach and stares at me right in the eye. « Concentrate yourself on me. You won't suffer anymore, I promise. »  
  
My last thought before the black-out is that nobody should promise something like that.  
  
When I wake up, I'm only sorry I'm alive. There's a weird taste in my mouth : I thought blood tasted salty, but it really isn't true. I have the feeling that a liquid metal ran down my throat while I was asleep. I try to get up, but a silent pain pierce my whole body and makes me shiver violently. I get up anyway, and see the large tissu that is wrapped around my belly. I think Anna broke something in me. Giles just entered my room. It's the first time he gives me any attention. Usually, he just makes speeches in front of all students and then leaves for another country. He's the one searching for potentials. Well, not only him but... You got the point. He's the big president of this whole crap. « Hi, Miss Collins. » His english accent makes me laugh, wich makes me think that my french accent probably makes him laugh too. England's great, but I can't get used to their english... Of course, most people come from USA so they are quite easy to understand. But I'm from Canada, from a French part of Canada, and people have trouble with understanding what I'm saying. « Hi... Mr Giles... »  
  
My voice sounds hoarse : I probably slept for quite a while. By the window I can see that the sky is blue and clear, wich is supposed to tell me good news. « I'm coming to hear your story of what happened with Miss Anna Wesley. »  
  
« Simple : She took a metal bar and sent it right in my ribs. End. » He takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes. Maybe he's a busy man, but maybe he's just pretending to be. I don't add anything else, and he sits down beside me. Where's Kennedy? She disappeared in the darkness, and I don't know where she is. I wish she was beside me when I woke up. What did Willow do to me? « You see, if you confirm our doubts, Miss collins, we will send Miss Wesley in another wing of the Center to avoid any other accident. » What a joke! Yesterday, if it wasn't me, it was somebody else. She'll continue her little superiority, but just in another wing, and they'll think they solved the problem. But I prefer to know that she is away from me. It's not that I'm afraid of her, but she gets on my nerves. I guess she thinks so too though...  
  
« Listen, she came in my room to know who was stronger. So I went downstairs, and I was winning. So she went nuts and took the damn metal bar. You know the rest. » With that, she's going to have a huge speech and a new room. Mr Giles thanks me and leave me alone, always alone... What Anna thinks about me, I think the same about her. What I told her, what I did to her, I wish I could've did it to myself. Being exterior from me, and hitting me as hard as I can. I am my own bully.  
  
A week and a half later, I'm back on training. It's cool that Slayers regenerate faster : I needed to do something instead of just living in my bed. The black punching-bag hangs from the ceiling, without moving, and suddenly I'm feeling stupid of fighting against a bag. I'm trying to vacuum my head, but my fight with Anna keeps coming back in my mind. Fucking Wesley... I'm starting to hit and punch as hard as I can. I'm getting hot and my heart beats so fast that I'm not able to think anymore. Something gets inside my brain, like I was drunk. My head wants to explode, and my lungs too. Time is slowing and things get bigger : every sound is louder. I sense Kennedy's eyes on me and continue to punch. I feel tired, but I continue. I need to get out all that energy in me. I have to get everything out... « Hey stop! » My hands are hurting and my wrists too. My teacher grabs my arms and looks at me. Her expression tells me exactly what she sees : my eyes are vacuumed. « Don't destroy everything that way, Jo. »  
  
I don't reply and close my eyes. Just hearing her voice fills me. I love this girl more than everything in the world. And hearing her just makes me... I don't know what to say... I have this feeling she's inviting me to calm down, to get better, and I can't. I don't want to. I want everything out. I start to punch again. 


	5. Incandescent Existence

Dig my grave, dig it deep, Marble stone from head to feet. Upon my grave, place a dove To show the world I died for love. (don't remember where it comes from but it's not from me)  
  
Life is a shit that never ends. I need to get high now, to fly away on a cloud of smoke and never come back. But waking up is always worse. The next morning, the drug implified every shit you had. Or maybe I'm just losing parts of my sanity. I love her so much... I can't even tell her name without crying. So I restrain myself : tears are for weaks. I want to forget, to think only about the pain on my skin, the fire when the blade cuts slowly. I want to be hurted, to freeze my mind with a suffering bleed. I want to see my blood flowing on my arm, I want to look at myself dying. Where's my damn knife? My room's so messed up, and I don't know if everything that's in it is mine. In reality, there's not a lot here that is mine. Everything's a stranger here, at the Center... Shit, where's the fucking knife? My hands are shaking. Time seems to flow too fastly. FUCKING SHIT WHERE IS THE FUCKING KNIFE??? There, there in the corner. It's right there. Ok, It's going to be okay, I have to calm down. I have it. I have it. Blood sparkles on my skin softly. I close my eyes. Vacuum state of peace...  
  
Outside, it's freezing. The sun's shining though. I light my cigarette as Rosenberg comes along. She stays beside the tree and stares right in front of her. The silence gets on my nerves, I want her to say something. But she doesn't move. « You okay? »  
  
She turns herself toward me, and I see tears in her emerald eyes. Suddenly, I understand why Kennedy loves her that much. Kennedy... « Was thinking about Kenn... Sorry, I shouldn't be telling you this. »  
  
« Why? »  
  
« Because she's your teacher. »  
  
I want to laugh. Yeah, she shouldn't be talking to me. But not for that reason. It's funny how she forgot our fight. I'm not sad about it though. Like all students here, teachers forgave me everything I done. Everybody was afraid of Wesley I guess.  
  
« Oh you know, everybody tells me everything. I'm not talking-girl. »  
  
« I noticed that already. » The blue smoke of my cigarette comes between us, and I wish I could get lost in it. I know that she's going to talk about her love for Kennedy, and I don't want to hear it. « I still love her. » Did she really have to tell me? Willow thinks nobody understood that she never got over Kenn. But, in reality, everybody know that there's still something going on between them. « So why did you leave her? »  
  
« It's complicated... None of us left the other. »  
  
Yeah yeah yeah... So cute. Why doesn't she send her fucking life to a damn realisator, it would make an almost-interesting movie. Truly, I'm sure she thought about it once.  
  
« I needed time to think and Kenn needed to be alone to get used to her powers and everything that was coming with it... A new life and all. »  
  
« But she's alright with her powers. »  
  
« Yeah... »  
  
I see it in her face. She's going to tell Kennedy that she still loves her, and in a huge passion, they are going to kiss and come back together after a night of loving. I hate her. « Listen, it's not that I don't care, but I'm going to be late so... »  
  
I throw my cigarette away and leave, swearing we could continue this conversation later. She smiles and accepts. If only she wasn't so perfect... so perfect for Kennedy. I erase a tear on my cheek before she notices it, and I start walking towards the school, but she grabs my arm. My fucking sleeve gets up and I bring it down fastly, but it's too late. She stares at me silently, like I was a freak. « On your arm... it's...? » « Scars. Nothing bad. Bye. » The bitch saw it all. Fuck, she better keep that for herself! I'll go to kill her in her sleep. Okay so I couldn't commit a murder. Shit. I start running so she won't ask any other question. I hate her. I hate me .  
  
Air's divided in small pieces of powder. I'm moving slowly so I won't disturb them, because otherwise, they'll know where I walked. And it cannot happen... But I don't know why. I feel my heart slowing and the blood inside me freezes. Pain's out of me, it's around me, it's this powder in the air... My door's so far away... I put my hands on my mouth so I won't laugh. Everything's turning and I have the impression that I'm dancing in an absent universe from my world and my life's hanging by a thread or maybe by this powder, white powder like salt or sugar or drug or snow... White and cold snow, cold like the smoke of my cigarette. I stare at my hand... I don't have a cigarette. Then from where does this smoke comes? From me, from my body... I'm on fire! Hahahaha! My laugh echoes on the walls of the Center. The others are probably sleeping... My head's heavy and my door's near now. Kennedy is there. I'm hallucinating. I close the door and she comes to me : she's real. She places her hot hand on my cold arm. « You're stone? » « What do you think? »  
  
She seems deceived. She looks down and then raises her eyes to stare at me. I can't see her well in the darkness, but I know she's sad. She's so beautiful, and I feel her breath running down on me slowly, like an ocean that'd come to break itself on me. « Jo... »  
  
I feel alive. I'm here, I'm existing for her. She's so close... I feel her lips on mine and an outraging energy pierces my bones. Her hands are travelling on me, and I'm not moving, keeping her against me. I have the impression that I'm going to die, that time flows and runs too fast for me. She steps back, but her skin rests on mine. « Jo... I think I love you. »  
  
I push her away and head toward my bed. She turns herself so fastly, so violently... « You won't say anything? » I look at her, but I'm afraid of her rage. Her angry face doesn't leave me alone as I want to confess that... Willow loves her. Me too, but it's only with Rosenberg that she has to be, not with a fucking junkie like me. I don't deserve her... She doesn't deserve so bad... « You shouldn't... Love me. You shouldn't. » She comes closer and her hands on my skin are burning and sparkling. She lays her lips on my neck and I dare to close my eyes. Her breath pours out on me. « Kenn... No. »  
  
She steps back. Light shines from her, it's so beautiful, so beautiful... I want to drown in it and let me die.  
  
« No?! Jo... Jo just let me... »  
  
Kennedy gets to me again and I fear that fire inside her. She's a lighthouse and I'm a ship on the ocean that sinks so silently, and so deeply that the sun's light cannot dance on my soul. Her dark skin on mine, pale and weak because of the insomnia and maybe because of the drug. No, drug doesn't make people fade... it destroys your soul, but doesn't touch the exterior part of you. Kennedy is so beautiful... « Do you feel it? »  
  
« What? »  
  
« We're alive Kenn... You feel it? »  
  
I'm laughing and then breaking in tears. Everything's going on so fast. I was sad and refusing her love. I'm still sad, and still refusinf. So what's different? Nothing. « I... It burns, inside my stomach... It hurts Kennedy, hurts so bad... » « Jo?... Jo you alright? »  
  
I look around me : I fell on the floor without noticing. Man that dose was strong... Fuck, she's still here. She has to leave. She has to live, or I don't know, die if it's what it needs but... no, she has to live. « Jo, crap... I told you I loved you, fuck, say something! Jo listen, I want you to love me. I want you, Michelle Joan Collins, to raise your eyes on me and tell me that you love me. » « I don't want to love you Kennedy, I love you enough now... My skin's too small to contain all that, it cuts and screams to open itself... You are so beautiful... »  
  
She walks from a side to another of my room, frustrated. Her hands on her head, I see she wants to yell. I don't want to hear her scream, and so I get closer to her slowly. She puts her strong arms around my waist, so strong that I feel she's my fortress. She kisses me again, and this time I let my weakness wins over me and answers its SOS calls. My palms are dancing on her skin as clothing becomes less important as before. I feel her burning against me, flaming so rapidly that I fear she's going to disappear. I open my eyes and she's still there, more beautiful then ever. The blouse she was wearing has lost a few buttons in our fight and her hair is mixing with mine. Kennedy smiles, next to me. Her heart beats so fast that mine seems dead beside it. She kisses my neck and a shiver runs down my whole body. Is it true? Maybe that once again, I'm just imagining this scene over and over, imagination helped by drugs. But no, it couldn't be as real as now,as real as her and I. But something seems wrong. I step back and rebutton Kennedy's blouse. I don't dare staring at her as I get my clothes on fastly, like somebody had just caught us. Amused, she grins and brings me back to her. « What are you doing? »  
  
I stand up and open the door hardly. « Leave... We cannot be together. Leave. » She looks at me, not understanding. I feel like crying, but I can't. In this world, I'm the stranger, I'm this puzzle piece that never works. Kennedy stares at the door and then me, lust and pain in her drowned eyes. In her breath, I feel her love for me. It hurts so bad, so bad inside... I want her to stay, to be together for eternity... But I'd be a pain for her, something that doesn't belong. « Please »  
  
Kennedy lets her eyes on me as she leaves, obeying to my begging, leaving behind her a scent of smoke and perfume. I lay on my bed and stares at the ceiling. I'm alone, alone with those squares of powder around me and the desire to burn myself down. End of a life, starting of another?  
  
Faith came to get me. I wasn't downstairs for breakfast. Usually, Kennedy's the one coming, but today, it's Faith that arrived first. When I saw her, I did not say a thing. I already knew everything. Her face became pale, but she didn't panick. Not like all the potentials who had followed her and who started screaming when they saw me. I'm hearing somebody calling an ambulance, and another yelling about the blood on my bedroom floor and, finally, Kennedy's voice. She comes closer and ties her vest, that she just tore up, around my wrists. She lays a chaste kiss on my forehead, as a remembrance of yesterday's events. Dawn whispers a word that I know too much, and Willow starts crying. Finally, the word itself becomes a murmur, and it's on all lips, even if nobody dares to say it. Silence snakes its way around and scares people, though I don't care about it. The ambulance drivers are the ones to pronounce what everybody was fearing, everybody except me :  
  
« Suicide attempt. » Then, everything's black. 


	6. Artificial Supremacy

For weeks I have been obligated to live with bandages around my wrists. Sometimes, I think I should've died. But I'm still alive : I won't become some drama queen over it. Small Summers has stayed with me all the time, probably because the principal (her sister) want her to spy on me. At least she's kinda nice, Dawn. We're mostly talking about music, films... She knows almost all classics, wich surprised me, since I thought she was as stupid as her friends. They don't talk to me, and Summers stopped hanging out with them the day they nicknamed me Suicide, when I came back from the hospital. Dawn doesn't care when I talk about the girls I've had, and she keeps chatting about her new crushes. She's kinda funny. I never talked to her about the night were I cut my veins open. She didn't ask any questions about it : I think she understands. Gorgeous Kennedy doesn't talk to me anymore. Yesterday, she smiled at me with tears in her eyes, but that's all. She doesn't have the courage of getting closer to me now. Like around me there were yellow caution lines saying Hazardous Zone : Don't Cross This Line. Except Dawn's friends, everybody at the Center is afraid of me. They look at me like I was out of reach, one of those persons you always respect, even when they hit the bottom. There even are some newcomers that comes around to become our friends. They gave me the superior status. If I come late at one course, everybody'll come late at the other. Dawn and I, we think it's just weird, but we can't do much things against it. The two last months, the Center was uncrowded. It was harder for Kennedy to avoid me, but she succeeded pretty much. Not a word, not a look. Except yesterday... Well, school was vacuumed because it was summer time, simply. All students left for their places, and I staued here, with the Scoobygang, like they call it. I had the honour to assist to one of their famous 'movie nights' and got into a popcorn fight with Faith. But last week was making everybody crazy, since the courses were restarting today and that the students were back at school. Back to books, homeworks and boring-ness. But it also means back to training, to Kennedy. There's a new teacher at school : she teaches French. Since I'm a french- canadian, I'm quite good, actually, I'm bilingual. My problem's English! Anyway, the new teacher's got brown and long hair, and blue, metallic eyes. Kennedy hates her : I see it in her eyes when she comes by. It's so funny to see my angel hating someone : I'm not used to it. Somebody told me Buffy and her had their own little war back then. Now, they're not really talking to each other, but they're not fighting. It's boring, because I really could see Buffy fighting with Kenn, pulling hairs and all. She doesn't know that all students kinda think she's stupid. But when you're in her office, you just shut the hell up and pray that she won't be too mad! So that new teacher's got around 20 and she doesn't have any diploma. She speaks french and, for the rest, she improvises. I think she teaches us just because she knows about our vampires and demons' world.. Her mother was a slayer. Well, that's what rumors are saying. She a friend of Angel, and that's why she's in front of us now. Angel is a vampire that always find the way to gain our pity. Fuck, this guy looks like he's totally into depression all-day long. At morning, I'm sure he cries if there ain't no Frootloops left for him. Shit, he always comes around here, talking about a « great danger! » and then he leaves, sadly, because Buffy told him once again that she hadn't came over the idiot's err... Spike's death. I didn't know Spike, but I say you got to be an idiot to die for this world. Especially when you're a vampire. Okay so I should stop complaining about everybody because the teacher might notice I'm not listening to her course and she's going to yell at me after the course. Plus, I'm sure she's the kinda girl who gets violent when she's mad. I know that anger brings violence, but a teacher, if she hits you, you can't punch her back, because after that Buffy yells at you. I learned that when I punched old Grahams. She was getting on my nerves. It's not an excuse, she said. « C'est compris? » (You understood?)  
  
What? The teacher looks at me. « Euhh... oui, madame...? »  
  
She moves to her left side and points the blackboard where is written « Nicole Desjardins ». I clear my throat, half-amused, half-embarassed. « Oui, madame Desjardins. »  
  
She stares at me, and the students of the class looks at her, waiting to see what I'm going to do. They all think I'm going to say something funny, but I don't have anything to say and I don't feel like being mean. I wasn't listening, that's all. It's not about provocation, it's about indifference « Do you know what I just asked you, Miss? Did you understand? »  
  
« No ma'am. I wasn't listening. She smiles and gets to her bureau. The whole group starts laughing, and I'm not moving. It seems truth is funny for them today. « How about you stay after the course, Miss...? »  
  
« Collins. »  
  
She smiles again and restart her course. Once again, I'm not listening at all. I don't care what she's saying. The others try to understand what she says, they search for words they know and try to insert them in a logical sentence. If I was concentrating on her voice, I would understand what she is talking about, since I lived my whole childhood in that language. Dawn looks at me and winks, wich means she's going to wait for me after the course to know what the teacher told me. I wonder if the principal is going to learn that I'm not doing anything in my courses. Probably not, since it's the beginning of the year. For now, I'll have only warnings and boring speeches. The more frustrating part of my story is that my courses are all-year long and I don't have vacations during the year. Watchers have two months, and most of Slayers too, but I'm in a special course. Most girls leave for two weeks to see their parents, but I don't. I keep working on martial arts or demon types, but in reality, I'm just bored. I stopped going out in bars, though I continued drugs. I cannot stop everything at the same time, well that's what I keep telling myself. And here nobody helps me. Well there's Dawn, but she doesn't know a thing about that and anyway, I don't want to tell her. The clock rings and girls take their things to leave as fast as possible. They must all wonder if they understood the same thing as their friend, because non is sure of herself. In fights they are confident, but when you get to theory they have problems with concentration. I'm sure it has something to do with having only two weeks of vacation, but I keep my mouth shut. It might change one day, but for now, we keep silence. Desjardins sits on the bureau in front of me and stares at me.  
  
« Is there a problem ma'am? »  
  
« I only wish you were listening in my courses. »  
  
« I'm only tired. »  
  
She smiles, looks down for a few seconds and then lays her eyes on me. She gets up and comes closer as I pick up my things. « And why are you so good in French? »  
  
« You, why are you so good in French? » She laughs a little and goes to her bureau where she gets her coat. She turns to me. « I'm coming from Canada. »  
  
I stare at her for a while : have I found a new friend? It's not that I dislike England or United States, but I miss my Canada. It's normal I guess, but in our world, it's rare to meet people who really cares about their countries. « Me too » Nicole Desjardins looks at me for a few seconds and then walks to the classroom's door. « So we're two now. »  
  
Boring answer, but oh so happy for me. I'll get back to my beautiful French! English's good too, but nothing compared to my childhood language. Getting closer to the door, I can see through the window that Dawn's very excited about learning what I'm going to tell her. « Oh, miss Collins... »  
  
« Yes? »  
  
« Next course, try to concentrate on the questions I'm asking. »  
  
« And you asked me...? »  
  
« Your name. In German. »  
  
« You speak German? »  
  
« Guess. » She opens the door and leaves, smiling. Dawn is almost jumping from joy, and I think she's about to explode.She grabs my arm and asks : « So? » Miss Desjardins watches us a little, then laughs and walks away slowly to the exit. « What are you thinking about her.  
  
« She's cute. Kinda pretty actually. » We start walking toward the other exit so I can smoke a cigarette before next course. Dawn always follows me in those times, even if she's against tobacco use.  
  
« What did she say? »  
  
« Only that I should listen in my courses. »  
  
« Oh. » She looks disappointed, like she was expecting a battle or a declaration. She's funny. She always thinks things are bigger than the are in reality. I see everything in black : then, when it turns to white, I'm happy. And if it remains black then I was thinking it would happen. No deception, no frustration : only boring facts. I look at the crowd of students that are chatting against the locker, and I notice they are all staring at the floor when I walk by. Dawn winks and we leave by the backdoor. « If it wasn't you, it would've been Wesley. » Wesley's a past souvenir in my head, even if it was only a few months ago. I hate being compared to her, and I really, I mean really happy that she's not in the same wing as I. I never saw her again since then and it's the way I like it. « I guess... I just hate all that attention. » « Yeah sure! With all stupid things you've done, tell me you don't want attention...! » We laugh for a few seconds, but seriousness gets back between us. She seems lost in thoughts, like she was searching something. I leave her alone : when she's like that, she can't hear a thing. I don't really care, since I don't like talking. She stares at my right and smiles weirdly, and then imposes another silence. « Why are you smiling? » She doesn't answer, but points out Miss Desjardins who's coming here. She probably walked around the school so I guess the clock must ring soon. The brunette who is normaly my friend starts laughing so loud she has to put her two hands on her mouth. I wonder what's wrong with her today. Usually, she's calmer and less... hysteric. « Smoke kills, Miss Collins. » My new teacher looks at the cigarette I hold in my hand, and then I notice she's smoking too. I don't know why she's talking to me, and I'm searching for an answer. But I hear Kennedy talking to someone and I can't help but stare at her, totally forgetting the two persons beside me. Nicole Desjardins looks at Kenn too and sends a look towards Dawn before leaving me alone with my friend. Dawn turns to face me, laughing. « What wrong with you today? You kept laughing since this morning. » She points out a guy and smiles even more. « Tommy? Tommy fron your litterature course? »  
  
« Yes. » And there she goes again. She goes out with Tommy now, a guy that studies to become a Watcher. Dawn was talking a lot about him recently, but I didn't think it would go more far than a friendship. Damn, why isn't she with him if she's his girlfriend? He just noticed her and he comes along, confident. « Hey beautiful... » He kisses her softly and already, I feel like running away. « Hi Tom... Here's my friend Jo. » « Yeah, I already know her. » Oh now he's going to say something stupid. I feel it. He studies to become a Watcher, so he is totally, and desesperately stupid. « I was there when you fought with Wesley. » « You and half of the school. » I throw away my cigarette and enter the school. What an idiot! Is there anything more than battles inside this fucking place? Shit-Center, yeah! What a loser. I can't believe Dawn loves a guy like him, who's all proud of being at a fight where I got my ribs broken. But that, that is not important, no! What's important is there was two girls fighting and lots of blood. Crowds love us! « Hey Suicide! » Like I needed to hear that today. I turn to send a killing glare to the person who said that, and I see Miss Desjardins just beside her. The teacher stares at me, like she doesn't know what had happen. She's probably going to send me to a psychologist or I don't know what. Just like Buffy, when I came back from the hospital. Finally, she just told me she's keep an eye on me, and Andrew followed me everywhere for a few weeks. Desjardins keeps staring at me as I go to my locker, then at my course. People move from my way as I'm walking. Get out of the way, the dead's passing by. 


	7. Styx's Embrace

Happy subject : we're studying Baudelaire in our litterary course. I can't do anything but fall for those words, this so dark and so depressive poetry, so.. romantic. Nothing's more beautiful than reading his poems while thinking about the girls you loved, all those creatures who run through your life silently. He's talking about the Styx, wich turns nine times around Hell... Nine times. Kennedy got closer to Willow, they're always together... I lost her. Dawn wonders why I always have this sad look these days... It's simple, my love's away from me, and I just don't want to breathe anymore. I remember the blade on my wrist, the strange sleep that was gaining my brain, stopping my thoughts like a theater curtain falls. My eyes were closing slowly, my life was collapsing... And my parents were drinking a cool coktail at the beach. If they learned what happened, they weren't even able to come here to talk to me. And even if they don't know about it, they haven't called either. So I don't see why I should smile. I feel like in a rollercoaster : one day, everything's okay, people are treating me like I was Queen Bitch or whatever, and then today I'm running in the wrong lane. But students are still acting like I was a goddess, and Dawn's still with me, even Ms Desjardins tries to make me laugh... Nothing works. Emptiness is talking to me, whispering to my ear, emptiness wants to have me. And I think I want to be His...  
  
I'm leaving my first course, and don't feel like going to the second, so I run away to walk downtown. I know Buffy and Faith are going to learn about this, and I can't help but think that I'm such a problem for them. My principal must be frustrated to have found me. I'm so used to deceiving people : my parents wanted me to become a lawyer, married to a beautiful, young and charming guy with whom I'd have two or three kids. But I'm nothing like it, I'm a fucking dyke who's playing heroes with stories of demons and vampires. I'm a loser, those things can't change. The bartender of the place were I always hand around gets out of a store and sees me. I wish I could be anonymous for once, just for now. But she talks to me anyway, wanting to look normal, like a normal who who just met her normal friend on this normal street. Working in bars with alcoholics and protitutes doesn't make people respect you. I guess she just want everybody to see that she's just like them... or almost. For her, it's a kinda victory. A way to yell : « See? I'm just like you all! » « Hey Jo! It's been a while. »  
  
« Yeah I'm calming down, you know? »  
  
She smiles and gets closer to me.  
  
« Sure. So, are you going bad or really bad? » « Funny, but maybe I was gonna say nice, just to change a little. » She closes her eyes and then puts them on me again, smiling sadly. « No, it's written in your eyes that you're going bad. Coffee? » « I don't know Maud... I see you're busy... »  
  
She grabs my hand and forces me to come along to a coffee shop. She asks for two coffees and then stares at me, waiting for an explanation to my sad look. « So? »  
  
« So nothing. »  
  
« Don't want to talk about it.? »  
  
« Stop playing therapist on me. You know I hate it. »  
  
« Not playing therapist, playing annoying ex-girlfriend. »  
  
She just succeeded : she made me laugh. Maud and I have stayed together for a month and a half : a record. She was taking care of me, she was like a guardian angel to me. And again today, she continues her job. She's talking about weather, about things, changing subjects when it makes me nervous... She knows I don't want to talk about some things, and respects it... for now. Finally, after an hour, Faith arrives.  
  
« Where were you? »  
  
« Here. »  
  
I stand up : my principal looks really, really mad. She grabs my arm and brings me out of the coffee shop, under the silent but amused look of my friend. She stands up too and follows, not knowing what to do. « What's going on? »  
  
Faith gives her a few dollars and then forces me to leave, tightening her grip on my wrist. « Well see ya Maud! »  
  
The brunette pulls even harder. « Eh stop it! You're hurting me! »  
  
She stops in a small street and stares at me, searching for a mystery. Not suceeding, she says :  
  
« You disappeared for more than an hour. » « Yeah, so? »  
  
« SO?! »  
  
She's almost yelling, like I just killed someone or something like that. She brings me back to the Center, mad. She says I'm going to meet Buffy again, and stops in the entrance to whisper :  
  
« Listen, you won't ever do something like that again. Rebellious kids are current. So now you'll lay low and stop your stupid games. » « Ok I get it. I'll just get my things and leave. »  
  
Faith pushes me as I'm trying to make my way to my bedroom. She gets on my nerves. I don't need her to tell me what to do. I just want to leave, and I'm sure that's what she wants too. I don't want anybody to take care of me, I just want them to leave me alone. « You stay here. » She sees Kennedy and calls her. « Kenn! Kenn come here. » The brunette comes, even though she doesn't really want to. I understand, she's got Willow now. « What? »  
  
« Stay with your student while I get Buffy. » I feel like a prisonner they have to keep a close watch on. My guardian remains silent for a few minutes before saying :  
  
« I'm sorry. »  
  
« Why? For ignoring me since that night? Please, don't be, it's not like you had any importance in my life. » Naturally, I'm being sarcastic, and she knows it. Her culpability is making her feel worse, but also more frustrated. She turns to me and asks :  
  
« You are you doing this? Why do you hate me so much? »  
  
« I don't hate you. »  
  
« Well that's not the impression I got. »  
  
I cannot even control my voice anymore. We were whispering, so nobody would hear, even though there's only a few persons here. But now I don't feel like acting normally, to play pretend. I'm starting to talk higher and higher. « Fuck Kennedy don't act like you don't know. I love you so much! But I'm just nothing beside you! A fucking loser, a slut who gets all the girls she wants, but now the fucking one she wants. Because you know what Kenn? You shall never mix losers with good people. That's what I was taught : you cannot destroy what's pure. » She listens to all of this, not saying a word. Suddenly, I'm so afraid of her answer... I'm hearing Buffy and Faith coming, and Kennedy murmurs :  
  
« I don't get it Jo... » Desesperatly, vacuumed, I shout her that I love her and takes her in my arms. Her lips on mine make me cry as her hands travel on my burning skin. She's so strong, I'm feeling in security. She kisses me violently, like a dam that's broken by the pression of the water. For a second, I dissapear from this world that I hate, and the voice inside me, that keeps repeating I'm a loser, shuts up. For a while I'm away, with Kennedy, I'm far, far away. But I feel the eyes of my two principals as I break from my love. Still in her arms, my head on her shoulders, I let myself cry all the tears I backed away in my life. She whispers something, but I don't hear it. She repeats it like a prayer, and rocks me slowly. I'm feeling broken, leaning on my beautiful teacher. And I'm dying to think that I'll have to separate myself away from her, to cut this moment from my memories, since it goes against all existing laws. Finally, I find the courage to kiss her again, for the last time. I tell her that I love her and then run away to Buffy's office, even if I know she's not there. She's in the entrance, surprised and maybe shocked. I sit on a chair and wait for her, staring at the floor. Then I think about the Styx, about this pain that's drowning me, about what keeps me from leaving my Hell. When the blonde enter her office, I'm as silent as before. She closes the door and sits, thinking. « I already fell for somebody I shouldn't love. » Impressive... Everybody knows that she loved Angel, I don't want her to tell me about her whole life. I want her to ask me to leave this place for once. « So I guess I kinda know how you feel. Angel... Angel was my first love. It was really hard, to love him and to know that I couldn't be with him. »  
  
« But you never, ever thought of suicide, blablabla... »  
  
« No, I've never tried. »  
  
« Liar. » Deep inside me, I know I don't really want to tell her that, but I feel so much hate and rage that, right now, I don't give a damn about what I'm doing. I want to leave this place and that's all. « Liar? »  
  
« I know you died to save the world. » « To save the world. Not because I didn't want to live. »  
  
« But can you look at me right in the eye and tell me you didn't think of killing yourself, not even once? »  
  
She looks down. « No, I can't. »  
  
That's all I wanted to know. The Styx is around all of us, we all end up in it. I stand up and go to my room to get my things. She follows silently. Faith comes along without talking. Finally, as I'm picking up my things, the brunette talks. « No way you're leaving this place. Here's my idea : I teach you, and you can go out with Kenn. I'm a Slayer too, so it shouldn't be a problem. » I stare at her, surprised. She would really do so? Why? Anyway, this Center is killing me, this school is the source of all my problems. I have to leave. Now. « You think you'll be better somewhere else? Wrong. You are your problem. Won't let you go. » I accept to stay, I don't know why. Something in Faith's eyes is telling me that it would be a mistake to leave this place. She brings me to Buffy's office and asks Kennedy to join in. She explains her idea, and Kennedy accepts. Then they say they'll call my parents, who will have to come here, because there has been too many things that they don't know anything of. So I was right : they haven't took any news of me for a few months. How nice of them. Kennedy and I aren't going out together : Faith said we could be together, but that we should wait. Plus, Kennedy is with Willow now so... Well I haven't asked, but it's kinda obvious since they're always together. So big yeah that we can , but now are we going to...? I don't think so.  
  
My parents arrive a few days later, wondering why they have to come to this school where they left me. If there is a book that teaches how to be good parents, mine never received it. « Hi Miss Summers, we're glad to meet you. Our daughter hasn't caused much problems, I hope! »  
  
Though they did receive the one on lying. They smile and talk politely, but they only want to leave. Just like me, though I don't have the polite part. Kennedy gets close to me and asks if I want to come outside with her. Since the discussion in Buffy's office, we haven't had a moment alone. Buffy and Faith accept : even if they had said no, we would've gone. The air's cold, but I'm happy to be out of this building. We sit under a tree and I lay my head on her shoulder, she looks half-happy, half-shy. She smiles, kisses my forehead and puts her arm around me. « Are you going out with Willow? »  
  
« No. Are you? »  
  
I can't help but smile. She continues : « We are friends. Faith thinks we should be friends for a while. »  
  
« I agree : you should be Willow's friend. Now she's the one smiling. I add :  
  
« Okay, I'm going to listen to my new teacher. But it's not gonna be easy. » Kennedy agrees, and we head back inside, knowing they are going to search for us soon. My mom and my dad hug me and, as my mother holds me, I cross Buffy's eyes. She looks at me with a compassion that I didn't think she could have for me. When I get away from my parents, I stand up beside her. She brings us to her office and tells them that I'm a good student, with a lack of discipline, but really good. Then they talk about a weekend when I « ran away », and when they found me at a hospital. She invented this so she won't have to talk about the suicide attempt. It's better if they don't know about it. Faith declares that she's my teacher, and that Kennedy was too. Now that everybody met everybody, Buffy tells them everything I done recently. My parents look devastated, and I don't say a word. Yeah, they are so good at lies... « Is is true Michelle? » « Ummm... Yes... » Faith stays behind me, and Kennedy is at my side as Buffy explains that I caused a lot of problems, but helped too. She talks about the fight with Wesley, the way I'm not trying to fight Dawn's friends, how I'm acting just fine with Dawn. I'm glad to know that Buffy finds me so many qualities, but I guess she's talking about me like she talked about my suicide attempt : she's lying.  
  
My parents believe I'm only a source of problem, but they are happy that Buffy is insisting to keep me here. They leave the same night, without any goodbyes. Anyway, I didn't want to talk to them. Well, that's what I keep telling myself... The Styx flows around me, but I'm not drowned in it. I'm out of the water, but still wet. Death in thoughts, I fall asleep with an eye on the knife beside my pillow. The blade shines because of the moon as I resist to put it on my skin. When I fall asleep, I have the impression of hearing water running down on me, and it's calling me. It has the same voice as the Emptiness. 


	8. Dependance War

Faith had been training me for a few weeks now. Right now, Kennedy is gone to Tokyo. We still aren't together : my two principals said it was too soon. That I had to be stable before being with somebody and blablabla well it only means « When you'll be okay, you'll be allowed to be with her. » It's pretty simple : I have to stop cutting. It's simple, but almost impossible. I'm always falling down again, I always have to face Faith's eyes filled with sadness and compassion. She verifies my arms, my legs, well almost everything, to make sure I don't have new scars. I cannot go on patrol, my room is watched constantly, wich means I cannot leave at night. It's been two or three times that they entered my room and checked to find my knife. They still haven't found it. Each time, they get closer, but each time they don't see it. Each time, I close my eyes so I don't see them raping my intimity with so much indifference. This morning, Faith looks at me with a sincere sadness in her eyes. She cups my face in her hands and smiles lightly. « You have to get over this... » Yesterday night, eight new cuts appeared on my skin. I have to admit this was extreme. Usually, it's only two or three discrete cuts, so Faith may not see it. But I'm tired of hiding, and Kenn's been away for a long time, wich makes me alone. Dawn always have those pity eyes when she talks to me. She got back with her friends, the ones who callme Suicide. Miss Desjardins finally heard about my attempt, and she always looks at me like I'm a desesperate kid. And now Faith, who watches on me constantly! I can't support this. Yes I'm cutting, yes, it hurts. But you know what? I don't give a fuck. You heard me? I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! It's not hard to understand, right?! « Look I'd like to talk to you after your courses, ok? » « Why not now Faith? »  
  
« 'Cause you can't be late. » Oh, yeah, right. Today, Miss Desjardins is bringing us to a historical museum. I have to be at the entrance at exactly 10h00. And it is...? 9h45. Yeah. Just the time to take a shower and I'm coming... a little late. The water is running on me and around me, and I can't avoid seeing the scars on my arms. It doesn't even embarass me anymore. They hurt a little when water falls down on them though. But it's not a huge pain : I don't care anyway. It's only physical pain. That one I can control... I feel like an idiot now. I always feel like an idiot when Kennedy is not around. This is stupid. I arrive at the entrance running, and sit in the front of the bus because there's no other place. Dawn's sitting with her friends, and, when I arrived, they started shouting :  
  
« Haven't drowned in your shower, Suicide? »  
  
Music. I take my discman and put the volume up, as loud as I can. I would like to not care, I'd like to disappear. Miss Desjardins comes to sit beside me because there's no other place. It's really the excuse of the day : there's no other place. Shit I hate my life in times like this, when I can't think about anything except Kennedy, cuts on my arms... I feel like universe is turning too fast around me, I can't find my place in here. I hate no hate or rage for others, except myself. « What are you listening? »  
  
« Almost everything. »  
  
Please make her stop talking to me, please! There are tears is my eyes, and I see many things I have forgotten. I want peace, I want the whole world to forget about me for now. Outside, the sight moves fastly, and it seems like I'm stoned because my eyes can't get the details. And, finally, the bus stops, and I return to reality... Not that it's a good thing. I hear Dawn's friends laughing, and I guess they must've spoke about me. One of them, Natalie I think, walks by me and leans in to say :  
  
« You're stealing my air. Should kill yourself right away. » Miss Desjardins stares at her coldly and grabs her arm. She makes her wait till everybody's out, everybody except me, and then looks at her. « What's wrong, ma'am? »  
  
« Next time you say something like this, I'm telling the principals. » « Yes, ma'am. »  
  
She gets up to leave, but my teacher is not letting her go. « I'm not finished. »  
  
She asks the driver to leave, and then me, ut I'm so close to the bus that I hear what she's saying. Err... yelling. Miss Desjardins is still holding her arm, and screams :  
  
« You fucking rich bitch, you'll fail the year if you continue this way. Your friends and you are going to have me in your butt for a long, long time if I catch you guys again. I don't fucking care being fired, especially if it means teaching to idiots like you. » « You can't. My dad's a lawyer and- » « And I don't give a damn. Have a nice day. »  
  
She forces Natalie out of the bus, and then stares at me. I grab my teacher's arm as she's leaving. « Thanks, Miss Desjardins, but I can defend myself, you know? »  
  
She smiles, takes my hand to lead me to the museum.  
  
« I know, Miss Collins. But remember that your enemies aren't always at the exterior from you. »  
  
« I knew that already. » I start leaving, but she's not willing to let me go. « Defend yourself from yourself, and let the others take care of the problems you can't solve. »  
  
She smiles again and enters to get with her students. I follow, already bored. This place is really calm and even if I don't really care about Moise's time's sculptures, I have to admit I like being here finally. It's clean, calm, it shows a little... security. Wich makes me think that I don't know why I hate myself so much. Maybe it's just that always hearing it from others makes you believe that you're a loser. I'm staring at a weird fossil when I hear somebody coming behind me. The person walks slowly, and is really silent. I don't know where my class is, but I'm alone in this room, and it's not some student, I'm sure. I don't turn myself, like I was afraid of breaking the charm. It's probably only my imagination, but... I look back, and I know I'm right. This is real. My smile gets bigger as I start running toward the woman. I literally jump in her arms, and kisses her while laughing. « Kennedy! I didn't know you were back! »  
  
It makes me feel so fine just to see her, to see her smile because she sees me, she remembers me that someone on Earth is loving me, and that this person is her. She kisses me too, and I disappear in our kiss. I feel her hands on me, they are a little cold because of the weather outside. She then breaks the kiss after a few minutes of making out. « Ok, let's calm down! »  
  
« Why? »  
  
She smiles softly, and I melt inside. She's so beautiful! « We're in a museum. »  
  
« That's true... »  
  
I start looking around me. « Where are the washrooms? »  
  
« You're joking?! We're not eve supposed to be together! »  
  
She is surprised, but not mad. She smiles, and I know that she wants exactly the same thing that I want. Inside her head, I'm sure she's looking for a place too. « Rules exist to be broken, Kenn. »  
  
« I've seen a stair well... »  
  
I have to control myself to stop laughing. She grabs my arm and brings me to a door on wich is written that we aren't supposed to enter. It's a fire exit, though there's no alarm. Perfect place. Except if the museum catches on fire...! The wall seems frozen behind my burning back, but I'm not going to stop for that. Kennedy kisses my neck softly, and I've been waiting so long for that moment that I can't stop shivering. Her tongue piercing dances on my skin as I moan weakly, unable to control myself anymore. Her hands on my skin, her, me, everything is so... present. It scares me a little, but I wouldn't stop for the world. She raises her face to mine, and she's only a few centimeters away from me. « You sure? »  
  
« Yes... »  
  
She smiles and then deposits a chaste kiss on my lips. It isn't enough for me, and I push her against the other wall. I don't let her the time to be surprised and kisses her again, my hands under her sweater. She layed her coat on the floor a while ago, and mine's just beside it. Clothes are now very superficial. Kennedy lets me take the lead, and I feel like it's the first time that she's making love without being the one in control. I smile softly as I start undoing her pants. It's only when I kiss her again that I understand I was right : Kennedy was always the one who seduce and whoe controls the game. Now, it's my turn. I don't know if she likes it, but I'm so far gone I can't stop. It's her turn to moan as I make love to her. It's strange to see that she only had to kiss me to make me moan. She's got so much more strength than I, that even now, I can't stop admiring her. Then, in this hot atmosphere and in our rythmn, I see tears in her eyes. She stares her glare inside my eyes, and I lean in to kiss her as she holds on to me desesperately. Kennedy looks like a shipwreck survivor, lost in her own world. Her arms around my waist, her head against mine, she gets to orgasm with a surprising rapidity. I feel her shivering, calming down, breathing hardly. Her tears are running down her cheeks, as she remains on me as I get my hand out of her, putting it on her stomach. Kennedy isn't moving and is crying silently, and I feel a ball of fire inside of my stomach as I sense her crashing herself against me. I kiss her forehead softly, and whispers : « You'll be okay, Kennedy? »  
  
She breathes deeply, then erase her tears with the back of her hands. « Yes, sure. »  
  
She forces herself to smile, and then returns to me.  
  
« Kenn? »  
  
« Yes? »  
  
She pulls herself away from me, wondering what I'm going to do. « Why were you crying? »  
  
Shy, she avoids the subject by kissing me.  
  
« Stop. Tell me. »  
  
She looks at me straight in the eye when she murmurs :  
  
« I never needed anyone before. »  
  
I cannot help but smile : it's the more beautiful thing somebody has said to be in my whole life. We restart our game, to see who will control who, but with more tenderness. It seems that we are closer than a few minutes ago, like something changed between us, without any of us seeing it. When we get out of the little fire exit, we are totally changed, and still the same. Though nothing's the same : she needs me, like I need her. Kennedy saw my scars : she hasn't said a thing. I just thought about it : I had forgotten completely. I'm a little nervous of what she is going to tell me next time we're alone together. Miss Desjardins chooses this moment to come along. « Where were you? We were waiting for you... Kennedy? I didn't know you were back. »  
  
My teacher seems embarassed to see Kennedy with me. I'm sure she understood what happened just by looking at us. But she doesn't say a thing, and stays there, frozen. « I just arrived, and Buffy told me you were here. I thought I could come here to see my friend. Does it bother you, Miss Desjardins? »  
  
« No, of course no... I'm just surprised. »  
  
My teacher leaves while remembering us that we have to be at the bus in ten minutes. Kennedy turns to me and takes my hand.  
  
« Look, if you don't want the others to see you with a teacher... »  
  
« What are you talking of? »  
  
« In the bus, it might be embarassing for you to be with me, right? »  
  
« No. »  
  
I kiss her softly, with the sensation that somebody's watching us. Probably Miss Desjardins. When I back away, I see my teacher in the corner, and laugh at the fact that she needs to know everything about her students. Kennedy doesn't seem happy at all. « What's wrong? »  
  
« We don't have the right to be together. »  
  
« So? »  
  
She smiles, and we walk to the exit, hand in hand. The bus is as full as when we came here, and so Kennedy and I have to force three persons to sit together. Miss Desjardins tells the driver we can leave, and I lay my head on Kenn's shoulder. Faith and Buffy are waiting for us to see if everything went fine at the museum. They see us getting out of the bus, Kennedy and I, hand in hand, and they stare at us. Kenn brings me apart, and gives me a passionate kiss in front of my two principals. « What are you doing? »  
  
« Rules exist to be broken, Mlle Collins. »  
  
The End 


End file.
